A sin for him
by regie27
Summary: After defeat, despair and heartache, Bataar Jr. takes a look back at his legacy and his role in its inception and fateful demise, as well as his relationship with the Zaofu captain who later became The Great Uniter. Set after Book 4 but before Ruins of the Empire.


**A sin for him**

_To paradise with pleasure haunted by fear_

_A sin for him_

_Desire within_

_A burning veil_

_For the bride too dear for him_

_A sin for him_

_Desire within_

_Fall in love with your deep dark sin_

A sin for him, Nightwish

Note:

Flashbacks denoted in italics.

I should have seen it yet I decided to ignore it. I should have reacted yet I chose to look the other way. I knew deep inside. I always knew yet I lied to myself because I refused to believe it. The delusion was more pleasant than the truth. I was comforted by my deceit. It took the blast of the Colossus to wake me up from my lie and to see everything with the stark, unpleasant light of the truth.

It is always the small details that tell the bigger story. I had seen it in her green eyes. As of lately I had perceived it in the deep silences and long pauses, the words hanging in the air left unsaid. Her eyes would not meet mine in the same way they did when we were younger, untainted by conflict and power. Her hand would no longer seek for mine for reassurance and support. Her arms would no longer spontaneously wrap around me when I worked long hours poured over blueprints and designs of the country we intended to build. The curiosity that would light up her gaze was gone and uncompromising focus took its place.

Sitting in my prison cell, I absentmindedly sink my hand into a pocket and find the small object I received in a package from Republic City. I was told Kuvira could no longer keep it because it was silver but I'm sure I would have received it anyway even if it had been platinum. There was no purpose in holding on to it anymore I guess. The engagement ring rests over my palm, cold, unyielding. That's how her heart became the longer she became more the Great Uniter and less the woman I fell in love with. I'd declared my love and devotion to Kuvira and the all-powerful despot wished me gone with the power I put at her disposal. Little of the guard captain that left Zaofu with me remained by then, her character warped into an almost unrecognizable version of herself. Three years by her side noticing the small yet telling changes that transformed a courageous warrior into a power hungry tyrant and I did nothing about it because I was too absorbed by my own selfishness and personal quest for recognition. Now Kuvira sits in a prison cell just like this one but at least I'm back home close to my family. She remains among foes and strangers bearing the burden of the defeat and the guilt for the next years, perhaps decades to come. I also know that my stay in this place won't be prolonged. One of the advantages of being the eldest son of the matriarch of this city and of the Beifong surname. It doesn't matter that I abetted and collaborated with a tyrannical regime from the very beginning to the bitter end. That I was a facilitator and an active participant of its misdeeds against my own city and against the Earth Kingdom. My last name ensures I don't get to face the full encumbrance of my crime. I don't get to pay as she does. That's my privilege. Maybe she's regretting not marrying me before the invasion but the Beifong name wouldn't have granted any protection if she had attempted to kill us anyway.

My mind takes me back to the times and places when I thought I was happy. That we were happy. When I believed we could truly change the world. When I thought our love would last forever. What I did not foresee is that the love for the Empire we built was going to be deeper than her love for me.

-oOo-

_"I just don't understand Su! Why she didn't accept? Can't she see what's happening? How many people will suffer because she refused the call?"_

_I listen to Kuvira attentively and yet I admit that I sometimes get distracted by the passionate tone of her voice, the fire blazing in her eyes, the way her eyebrows arch in fervent indignation. I slip up my glasses in an attempt to concentrate on what she is saying. This is not the first time I've listened to her rant, far from it. Since my mother refused the proposal to become the Earth Kingdom's de facto leader until the late queen's successor came of age, Kuvira has been livid in anger and disappointment on what she sees as a betrayal to the country in its moment of need and to the values she has instilled in us. I've done plenty of my own ranting too. I'm as incensed as she is. How are we expected to just sit idly under the alleged protection of our domes while the world around us burns? I say alleged because the Red Lotus breach is still a sore point for all of us._

_"I know but mother will not change her mind. She's stubborn like that. I don't understand it either but I know that it doesn't matter how much us or anyone else tries to change her mind, once she's set up her mind on something, she won't budge."_

_"How can she sleep at night knowing that Ba Sing Se can fall at any moment? Do you know what that means right?" she replies in earnest._

_"I do Kuvira, but we're not the only ones who think the same way we do. I had more people approach me today and they're ready to act even without my mother's approval. I am ready too. We've done plenty of talking. It is time for action. Are you ready?" My hand lands over her right shoulder as my eyes search her face for an answer._

_Her face freezes for an instant. It is a lot to take in. A lot to process and a supremely hard decision to make. Unlike most of us, Kuvira knows first-hand what hunger and abandonment feels like. This city, my mother's tutelage, my family, they all have given her a sense of security, stability and protection. But the crisis on the capital is chipping away at that sense of stability and I've seen it. I've noticed it in her anxiety and restlessness, in the barely repressed frustration plastered on her face when she talks to my mother and in the tense posture when she performs guard duty. She wishes to act too but fears abandoning her post and my mother. We've put her in a terrible position but she knows that among us, she's the one with the leadership skills that can give this ragtag bunch of idealists a fighting chance. I believe in her. I'm willing to follow her through hell if I have to. Probably I will in the shape of the unforgiving wrath of my mother if I leave Zaofu and her side. But given the choice of hell with Kuvira and heaven living as a man without courage or convictions I'd rather choose hell._

_Kuvira's voice grounds me back to the present situation. "Are you really coming with us Bataar? I don't think I can do this without you" she states as she approaches me with doubt in her eyes. I brush aside the hair that falls over the side of her face._

_"I will be with you every step of the way." I reply reassuringly. Kuvira grabs my hand and places a feathery kiss on my palm. My lips caress her forehead as I gather her in my arms disregarding the stiff feel of the armor against my chest. One arm comes between us and before I can say something, she bends the armor. I embrace her again and she melts against me. I run my fingers down the long braid that falls over her back. I catch a deep inhale and my ears pick up these whispered words that drench my chest with a warm feeling that embolden my courage and my resolve: _

_"I love you Bataar."_

-oOo-

I blink as I remember the goosebumps and the utter joy flaring inside me that day. My life changed that quiet, unassuming afternoon and when a couple of days later we left Zaofu behind, I realized that the only family I needed was beside me clutching my hand tightly. It was warm and soft and it felt so small and fragile surrounded by mine. How years later I came to miss the feel of those slender fingers against my skin. That's when her hands would always be covered by pristine white gloves that she wore with her imperial uniform. I don't recall since when she began using the gloves but I should have interpreted it as a signal. She was withdrawing within herself in a fortress of her own doing and from that fortress she became unattainable, unreachable; perhaps even inhuman. As much machine as the titanic mecha I designed and built for her. A physical metaphor to her ambition. An unmissable representation for all to see of what she had become. Powerful, intimidating, unstoppable, cold and unfeeling. The worst part is that I fell too in love with the machine. I did not realize when it devoured the caring woman who had placed duty over her own safety. I allowed that to happen. I too became part of the machine.

The glimmer of the engagement ring catches my attention. The slivers of sunlight that filter through my barred window reflect on its polished surface as I hold it high between index finger and thumb. My lids close as another image plays inside the theater of my mind. How ironic that in one of the most victorious days of the Earth Empire I felt the most miserable. What remnants were left of my tattered conscience stalked me and wrapped itself around me like a heavy cloak that I had many times refused to wear. I guess it was trying to warn me. But with her help, I shed it once more and my conscience was again exiled to the forgotten and darkest confines of my soul. That fateful day was the day Zaofu, my home, fell. The day that Kuvira did the impossible and soundly defeated the Avatar. It was also the day I had to imprison my parents and my brothers, my own flesh and blood. The images of their saddened and disappointed faces are seared in my mind forever. They still haunt me today even though we have sort of patched things up and they assure me they've forgiven me. It's amazing how you are able to bond again with estranged loved ones after surviving a life and death experience. But my remorse and their forgiveness cannot exile the bitter memories of my callousness towards them when we took over the city in yet another milestone towards total unification. And what a milestone it was for her.

-oOo-

_It has been hours since we took the city yet the cheers of our troops won't stop. Our army was sent into a euphoric frenzy once they witnessed their commander battle and emerge victorious over the Avatar herself. The collective sound roared across the open field and it reached deep inside the Metal City. I can recall the terrorized faces of the citizens. For them the screams of joy must have sounded like roars of beasts because it confirmed that the city built to shield them from peril and harm had fallen against all forecasts. I remove my glasses as I pinch the bridge of my nose. My temples pulse and I can sense the incoming migraine approaching. Discomfort starts building over my forehead and my eyes loose focus. I thought I was strong enough to witness how my troops took my family away encased in metal sarcophagus but I'm not. My bravado left me the instant no one was able to see me. I'm glad Kuvira has been so busy that she can't see my frailty manifest on this precise day. I've seen the look of disappointment in her eyes before and I still feel a disconcerting chill run down my spine from the last time it happened._

_I've been hiding in this room for the last half hour waiting for my resolve to return. It's inevitable that I will eventually face her. We've been anticipating this day for so long that we even have plans for celebrations. That's how sure we were of our impending victory. Suyin Beifong and all that she represents has been defeated and humiliated in her home turf. We the exiled have returned and we've done so in power and in victory. Why then do I have this bitter taste in my mouth? Why I feel this oppressive weight that makes my breathing difficult? This knot lodged inside my stomach? The victory cheers erupt outside my door. Kuvira is here. I lift my head and I can see her as the door opens. Her uniform still displays the wrinkles and tears and stains of her battle with the Avatar. She hasn't fixed her hair up yet. Any other person would feel relieved of surviving a fight against a formidable opponent like Avatar Korra but she paces with the self-assured stride of a predator after a kill. The satisfaction of the triumph is evident on the glimmer in her eyes. Her glance catches mine and I can see a confident smile tugging at her lips. It has a savage, almost feral quality to it. I smile back weakly as I stand up. I'm glad the way my body reacted as if it had steeled itself for this encounter. I was able to hide any trace of weakness from her penetrating glance. She pivots around and after sharing a few words with the guards outside, I can hear the lock clicking on the door. Involuntarily, I swallow hard. I should be in the same celebratory mood as everyone else and yet a void that I've been fighting off for years has been summoned today. She advances towards me and with each step a segment of metal from her uniform is shed with subtle movements of her hand. I inhale deeply and I push my glasses up my nose. After the display of her bending and fighting skills against Avatar Korra this is nothing yet the way she controls every piece of shimmering steel entrances me. The way each piece softly clatters on the floor bringing a curious musicality to it, its own hypnotic rhythm. It almost serves to dull the pressure from my temples._

_"We've done it!" She exclaims finally standing in front of me. Her face glows with each word uttered. "The city, the domes, Su, they're all ours!"_

_"You've done it" I correct. She arches an eyebrow inquiringly but does not reply. Instead, she reaches for my hands. _

_"Now you have all the material you need to complete your masterpiece." She's talking about the platinum from the domes. Orders have already been issued to strip the domes for its invaluable material. I nod and reply with a smile as I tighten the hold of our hands. I sense the fabric of the gloves between us. She looks at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern._

_"Bataar, are you okay? You don't seem to be grasping the magnitude of what has been accomplished today. The whole world has witnessed our supremacy. Not even the Avatar stood a chance against our might. Our dream is so close we can reach out and touch it."_

_"I understand dear…it's just a migraine but I'm feeling better now. So many things have happened today that I'm afraid my head has been a little overwhelmed with all the excitement."_

_"My poor genius. You've worked so hard but the finish line is right before us. Soon we'll be able to revel in our success."_

_The thought lightens the load within me. Once we're done with the Unification we will finally marry after all these years of hardships and non-stop work. I smile genuinely._

_"Once we complete our Empire I will be able to call myself your husband."_

_My fiancée smiles softly as she runs her fingertips from my temple to my jaw. _

_"Soon Bataar…soon. Does it hurt much, the headache?"_

_I close my eyes. Hands that hours before could deal fatal blows are now soft against my pulsing forehead. I take her hand and keep it in place. _

_"It feels better now" I mutter as I open my eyes. I see hers soften for an instant and I'm transported back in time in this same place three years ago when we were still planning and conspiring to stand in defiance of my mother's wishes to march towards Ba Sing Se in a desperate bid to help the cause. _

_The weight of my glasses abandons my face. I see them levitating gently in front of my face. They land over her open palm and she places them over a nearby table. _

_"Do you want me to soothe your pain?" she asks softly. I nod in affirmative. The gloves come off. I inhale deeply and my eyes scan for the chaise lounge where I had collapsed to when the pain and the nausea were almost unbearable. She seeks the direction of my glance and wordlessly we both start walking towards it. She lays down and I follow as I lean my head over her shoulder. I can feel her naked fingers trailing my forehead sensing the throbbing at my temples. _

_"I don't think you're in shape for celebrations today" she comments without masking the tone of disappointment on her voice._

_"Nonsense" I murmur feeling the soothing effect of the massage. "I should be well soon. We've planned for this for a long time." I reach for her left hand and find the engagement ring. For some reason it reassures me. _

_"Are you regretting this? Taking over Zaofu?" Her voice has a colder edge to it, almost accusatory. I know exactly what she's thinking what she implies in the words not said out loud. That I'm having second thoughts and that imprisoning my family has weakened my resolve to our cause._

_"Kuvira" I raise my head and I stare at her directly. "I've never been more committed to our cause than today. My family is reaping what they sowed and I can't do anything about it." I lie, at least partially. It did hurt me to see my own family be terrorized of me more than I had expected. But I am deeply committed like never before to the cause, because my cause is her. _

_"I'm glad to hear that" she replies with a subtle smile. "Feeling better now?"_

_I reply by simply cupping her cheeks as I bring our lips together. Her closeness seems to have alleviated my ache. I deepen the kiss and she surrounds my neck bringing me closer. The migraine is just a faded memory now and the only thing that matters is her. I pull back and I invite her to sit at my lap which she does immediately. _

_"I think you've just answered that" she states with a pleased tone. I grin as I bring her close to me again resolving that we can have a head start on the celebrations after all._

_-oOo-_

My mind spins in a haze and my body seems to heat up. In the solitude of my cell I can still sense her breathing hot against my ear, her throaty moans echoing in the memories of our shared passions. My body shudders hovering in a state between pleasure and pain sensing invisible nails raking my shoulders and back. I can still picture the satisfied grin that would curve on her face when she would point at the trails that ran down my back as physical reminder of a lust filled interlude. I mutter her name almost inaudibly as I allow another session of recollections to run their course. I'm back in Zaofu in the aftermath of our victory but now I see myself with uniform partially undone straddled in the chair with her on top of me, our mouths clashing in a fierce kiss. All the pent up energy from the day's triumphs found their release in me as I surrendered myself to her as I always did. Body and soul were once again offered to the woman I loved and to her cause. Rage suddenly flares making me curse between clenched teeth. I still want her, I still miss her warmth and her softness and the heat that would welcome me between her legs. My logical mind just can't fathom how I can still desire someone so bad after all the pain that was inflicted upon me. How I can still feel passions inflamed by her memory, just to be countered by the frustration and shame that engulf me in daylight after surrendering to my body's carnal impulses under the complicit cover of darkness. She still lurks my head with treacherous icy beauty.

I follow the downwards trajectory of a tear that has slipped down my face as it lands to the floor. The next memory is the one that triggers the cold sweat and shallow breaths. The utter dread hidden in every shadow and the sickness at the pit of my stomach. The one that fuels nightmare after vivid nightmare every night. I stare at my hands asking myself how come I'm still alive when inside I've been shattered into a thousand pieces. Every day I seek for a reason to continue living because the one I had was destroyed with the blast of a cannon. I can still visualize the horrified faces of my family and Avatar Korra as we stared at the obliterated remains of the building we were at seconds ago. I didn't realize I was sobbing, my glasses fogged and with a crack until my mother knelt beside me as she did when I was a child and embraced me. I forgot about how angry and disappointed I had been with her and cast aside our differences as a bigger disappointment and heartache teared at my heart. I came to be consumed with disbelief at first and seething anger later but with the charred remains of the warehouse in front of me, the only thing I was able to feel when the realization of what had happened was evident was pain. I found no consolation in the news that Kuvira had ordered the troops to surrender unconditionally. A part of me preferred that the army would have fought until the end to make all the sacrifice worthwhile but I later understood it was a selfish wish. The war was over. My personal struggle was about to start.

A bitter chuckle escapes my lips. In a moment of total openness with myself I've come to admit that her decision to destroy the warehouse didn't really surprise me as it should have. Three years of political wrangling and military campaigns tuned her mind from a capable provincial officer to that of a masterful and remorseless tactician. Kuvira learned to favor efficiency over wastefulness and to exploit every single opportunity that made it her way. I taught her that and she took the lesson to heart. For weeks I hid again under my own delusion and I made myself believe the attack had been a mistake; that she hadn't intended to destroy me along with all her enemies. To make me a martyr for the cause. Until I read the transcripts of the crew of the Colossus of what had happened that day. That's when reality sunk in and my worst fears were proven true. I was finally out of lies to tell myself to avoid facing reality and the pain that it brought along. I can imagine her presiding over my funeral service praising my utmost sacrifice to the Empire and my invaluable service to the greatness of the nation. She would have seen that my memory was preserved among the pantheon of heroes. And then she would have moved on ruling with steeled resolve and nothing to stop her, least of all me. But we both were destined to be heartbroken that day. She lost her Empire and I lost her along with my illusions of a family and a legacy of my own, away from the shadows of my parents' successes or the family name. I wonder if things could have ended up differently if I had followed the small still voice of my conscience. Instead of being each other's checks and balances we fueled our own worst impulses and we foolishly drove away anyone who attempted to guide us to the right path. The road to hell is truly paved with good intentions.

I take a deep breath as I reach for a book. Perhaps today I'll make it past the middle paragraph from page 15. Progress has been slow but steady and I've been able to concentrate a bit better as of lately. I was promised that tomorrow I'll be receiving more drafting materials. Work, even imprisoned, is the only thing that makes each day of this new existence bearable. That and the knowledge that my mother and my family haven't given up on me. There's one name we avoid mentioning when they visit me but her shadow looms large even when unmentioned and remains leagues away from us.

I open the book and from it falls a picture that I've kept hidden from sight from everyone. It is frayed at the corners and the amber coloring denotes it has seen better days. This picture endured travels without end and survived battles and I stubbornly kept it when I should have disposed of it. But I can't because in it I see Kuvira and myself three years right before we departed for Ba Sing Se and it still makes me smile. Who would have imagined all the transgressions I would end up committing for what was once a noble cause? I bring the picture to my lips and stare at it before returning it to its hiding place.

"For all the sins that I committed for you."

-The End-


End file.
